His phone buzzes in his pocket and Yuto reaches for it on instinct, one hand raised in silent apology, as he slips it from inside his jacket. He wouldn’t normally check his phone at work, but tonight isn’t a normal night - it’s his first international red carpet and his translator is running late. He’s calmly - outwardly at least - awaiting instruction from his manager as he makes small talk (as best he can) with his foreign costars.
The notification isn’t from his manager though. A little blue bird at the top of his screen is telling him that five thousand miles away, seventeen hours ahead, ‘Leo’ is streaming live.
***
Now that the translator has arrived, his phone is stowed safely back in his bag where it can’t burn his pocket. Between rounds of infuriatingly similar questions from various reporters, he’s been doing the mental arithmetic though - it’s been 40 minutes since the tweet went out and they must be almost done with interviews. The movie, based on average runtimes, should be around two hours, give or take, from opening to when the credits roll. Yamada’s videos are usually around three or four hours so without editing a session could be as long as four and a half maybe? Yuto doesn’t really know how it works, but if the live stream lasts as long as that, and if Yuto begs off the after party with claims of jetlag, then by the time he gets back to his hotel he might just….
He shakes himself from the thoughts again. This is it. Right here, the pinnacle of his career so far. He’s in Hollywood, in Los Angeles, he’s walking the red carpet with some of the most anticipated actors of the decade. There’s no reason Yuto’s mind should be stuck on his ex-bandmate, even if he is the entire reason Yuto made it this far.
The film is rolling but even if Yuto could follow all of the dialogue, he wouldn’t be able to keep his attention on the screen. Not now that he knows Leo’s Playground is live.
That shouldn’t matter, he’d already opened the link before he stashed his phone, even if Yamada decides to unlist the video for whatever reason, Yuto will still have access to it. There’s nothing to stop him from watching it once he gets back to his hotel. Only right now it’s live.
After months of teasing that he might do it, he’s finally live. Right now Yuto could be listening to the satin of Yamada’s voice in real time, for the first time in almost a decade.
And suddenly it doesn’t even matter that Yuto is at his Hollywood debut.
He’s not at the top of the billing, so it’s only really his manager that notices him sneaking along the row of seats and out into the lobby. He pauses briefly to get his bearings, cloakroom, phone, bathroom. And then Yamada is right there.
It must have been a short stream, it looks like the game is over and Yamada is winding down, his frame filling most of the screen as he answers questions from the chat. His expression is soft, his eyes bright, his smile as natural as it always was and Yuto wishes there wasn’t such a distance between - physically and figuratively.
He could have had this and it kills him. Things had even started getting better, right before. But then Yamada went and debuted solo, and Yuto was too scared of his talent, too bitter at his own shortcomings. When Yamada confided in him for the second time that he was thinking of quitting, Yuto couldn’t even tell him to stay.
***
Yuto knows enough about addictions to know that this is an unhealthy one. He was already checking Yamada’s channel daily even before the live streams started, now he checks it every chance he gets even if he knows he’d get a twitter notification if Yamada were to suddenly go live.
He needs to stop, because most of the time Yamada is live Yuto is busy with work and it only sets him on edge when he can’t watch. It only makes him more irritable with his bandmates and co-stars, perpetuating his serious and sullen reputation.
But sometimes Yamada streams live late at night, through into the early hours of the morning and Yuto watches, hand reaching beneath the covers to stroke himself along to the low rumble of Yamada’s voice through his headphones. And he knows that’s not good for him either.
Waves of guilt chase his release, they always did, even back in the days when Yuto didn’t know why Yamada’s face popped into his mind in his basest moments. The anger that follows the guilt didn’t start until later, until Yuto bought his first camera and couldn’t resist taking Yamada’s photograph every opportunity he got, developing them alone in his dark room - a shrine to the angel that stabbed him in the back.
The grief isn’t new either. Because through the Yamada shaped hole left in his life after he left the group, Yuto could finally see that the choices that led Yuto to resent him in the first place weren’t Yamada’s choices any more than they were his own. Through the green haze of jealousy he hadn’t seen how much stress and anxiety Yamada’s skyrocketing popularity was putting him under.
***
The videos were supposed to help. Seeing his face again, seeing his smile, hearing him laugh. It was supposed to help. And in a way it does, because he knows that Yamada is doing OK - he knew he was OK, he knows Keito and Chinen keep in touch with him.
But it also makes it so much worse, it makes the way Yuto misses him feel more tangible. With each new video he sees Yamada come further and further out of his shell, more like the exuberant idol Yuto remembers and all he can feel is the gap that he put between them. It makes him desperately want to close it somehow.
And that’s when the message comes from Chinen, the invitation to his birthday party. Yuto gets one every year despite never once taking him up on it. But Chinen and Yamada stayed close and he’s sure Yamada will be there.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ryosuke isn’t really one for parties, especially not ones that are teaming with celebrities. He never was.
But he always shows face at Chinen’s birthday and, even now, it isn’t weird because most of the people there were once friends. He’d still consider most of them acquaintances, even if he doesn’t walk the same path as them any more.
The rest of JUMP - all of them barring one - are always there too, and even if none of them ever really understood his decision, none of them hold it against him.
He doesn’t know how Yuto feels about it, he hasn’t even spoken to him since the last day they worked together, but since Ryosuke leaving left the centre position open for him, he can’t imagine Yuto is upset about it.
There are times Ryosuke misses it. Sometimes he loved being an idol, he was grateful for the incredible opportunities his work offered him. But he doesn’t miss the constant pressure or the relentless strive for perfection. He doesn’t miss the latent fear that each step higher in his career would take him further and further from the one thing he wanted more than all of it.
And then like the thought had summoned him, the restaurant door swings open and in walks Yuto.
***
He’s not hiding. He was just caught off guard when Yuto walked in, Yuto has never been to one of Chinen’s parties. Rysouke wasn’t ready to see him again after so long, he wasn’t mentally prepared for it, and judging by the scowl on Yuto’s face when their eyes met, it must have shown in his expression.
So he’s not hiding, and he’s not exactly avoiding him. He’s just taking some time to steel himself before he faces Yuto again.
A cigarette would help. He doesn’t smoke, he hasn’t done for a long time, but Ryutaro wasn’t the first to try it before it was legal, and the smell still takes Ryosuke back to sneaking behind the Jimusho building with Yuto on their way home from practices, back before things went bad.
He doesn’t have any cigarettes, but he can see the glowing tip of a stick out on the balcony of the restaurant and tries his luck.
“Can I bum a smoke?” He asks as he steps out into the darkness and then his heart leaps up into his throat as Yuto turns.
For a moment Yuto is quiet and it’s tense, he’s almost going to just turn back and go back to the party. But then Yuto reaches into his pocket and pulls out his cigarette packet, tossing it to Ryosuke.
Ryosuke turns the packet over in his hand, nostalgia urging his fingers to trace the label briefly - it looks like Yuto never switched brands - before he takes one out. “You smoke now?” Yuto asks, his tone stiff.
“Sometimes.” Ryosuke answers diplomatically as he steps closer, holding the packet back out to him.
Yuto’s eyes scan his face, the intensity in them making Ryosuke feel almost shy. And then it’s gone, and Yuto is stuffing his cigarettes into his pocket and pulling out his lighter.
When Ryosuke places the stick between his lips and leans in, the intensity flashes across Yuto’s face again and Ryosuke can see the slight tremble in his hand as he ignites the lighter.
***
He'd hoped that time and space would soften the tension between them but the silence is as thick with it as it ever was. Ryosuke can see Yuto’s foot bouncing against the rail it’s perched on - a familiar gesture of agitation and Yuto pulls out a second cigarette, burning through it before Ryosuke has even finished his first. When it’s deposited in the ashtray Yuto dithers for a moment, his face twisted in irritation or what might be frustration.
“Yuto.” he says hastily when Yuto huffs and brushes past him to the door. He should have thought this through, but now Yuto has turned and is looking at him expectantly. “About earlier…I was surprised…you don’t usually come to Chinen’s parties.”
Yuto just looks more agitated. “Is that a problem?”
“No…I was trying to…” he shrugs, unsure what to say to stop things getting worse, and Yuto’s arms fold defensively across his chest.
“I can leave if you want me to?” he spits. “That’s your solution when things get uncomfortable right?”
The accusation winds him, the venom of it stinging deep and the last thing Ryosuke wants is to prove him right, to run away, but he can feel the hurt and anger rising up behind his eyelids. “Fuck you.” he snaps, stubbing out his cigarette and at least Yuto has the grace to look shocked.
“Fuck” Yuto repeats as Yamada turns to the door. “Wait, I didn’t mean that.” He does pause, briefly, but it’s more to gather himself than because Yuto asks and then Yuto continues “Fuck, please, I just wanted to tell…”
“What Nakajima?” he snaps, the tears spilling silently over. “What do you so desperately want to say to me that you didn’t contact for the last ten years?”
“I love you.” Yuto blurts and Ryosuke turns, a mixture of shock and incredulity. Yuto looks just as surprised as he does at the words and then he flusters “Wait…Leo” and Ryosuke’s heart pounds harder as he storms away.
***
It’s been a long time since Ryosuke felt so conflicted. There were bad days, right after he left. There were worse ones in the months leading up to it but this is something else.
Yuto loves him? What’s that supposed to mean?
What does it mean that Yuto has apparently been watching his YouTube channel?
He’d always thought the fact that Yuto never reached out to him meant that Yuto still hated him. If it were anyone else he might worry that he just didn’t matter any more once he was gone, but not Yuto. For better or worse there were always strong feelings between them.
It could have been love once, back when they were too young for it to mean anything, but through all the years of bitterness and resentment Ryosuke had never dared to hope they could get back to that again.
Still the words keep playing over his mind.
***
“So you’ve been watching my channel?” Ryosuke asks, finding Yuto out on the balcony again. Yuto looks at him almost apologetically as he nods. “Since when?”
“When the rumours first started…” Yuto admits. “Chinen pretty much confirmed it was you…even before the media got their hands on proof.”
Ryosuke nods and it’s quiet for a moment. “Why?”
Yuto sighs and Ryosuke can see the thoughts playing behind his eyes. He moves over to sit at a table, lights up again and holds one out to Ryosuke. Ryosuke takes it but just waits.
“I didn’t think you would really leave.” Yuto breathes eventually. “And I didn’t know how to tell you not to.”
“You hated me.” Ryosuke argues.
“Yeah, but not…it wasn’t about you” Yuto says and then snorts humourlessly. “I mean everything was about you but…it wasn’t you that I hated. After you were gone…I couldn’t get over you…so when I found out about your YouTube channel…"
Ryosuke shakes his head, perplexed. “I’ve been friends with Chinen and Keito the entire time…you could have contacted me any time.”
“How?” Yuto demands. “After everything…even now. Everything you should have been…and I let you go.”
***
Ryosuke sits down beside him. "I did hate you…" He admits but there's a small smile playing on his lips. “Just a little bit. You were my biggest rival and my best friend. When I caught up to you I didn't know what to do, what to aim for anymore. When I lost you as a friend because of it, I didn't really want to try.”
“But you could have been something amazing…your career was just taking off, you could have had anything you wanted.”
“I still could.” Ryosuke breathes, sucking his lip nervously between his teeth. “Earlier…you said you love me.”
Yuto raises an eyebrow but his smile is almost reminiscent. ““I'm obsessed with you. I always have been.”
“I'm not the same person I was back then.”
“You are.” Yuto says but Ryosuke rolls his eyes. “I’ve been watching you, fanatically. You’re still a dork, you’re still funny, and kind and tenacious. You’re still all the things I admired about you.”
“You still take yourself way too seriously.” Ryosuke says and when Yuto raises the other eyebrow too, Ryosuke laughs softly. “I've been keeping up with you too.”
“Yeah?” Yuto asks, his expression twisting into something bittersweet.
Ryosuke nods nervously. “When I didn't have to be a perfect idol anymore I didn't have to lie to myself anymore about my feelings for you. I only hated you because I was desperately in love with you. When you used to try and kiss me…I only pushed you away because I wanted it so much.”
Yuto is smiling, it’s a smile Ryosuke hasn’t seen in a long time, it makes his heart pound. “I don’t know what I would have done if you’d let me do it back then…”
He holds Yuto’s gaze as he leans in slowly, giving Yuto plenty of chance to back away. He kisses the scar on Yuto’s lip, his lips spreading into a smile. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” he murmurs against Yuto’s lip as he kisses it again and then moves over to the mole on his cheek and up to the one on his cheekbone and then under his eye.